Spring Day – NOT

Spring arrived this morning, preceded by the customary last day of August winds.

Awaking this spring morning was not such an event in terms of the weather as all our technology was proudly announcing that it was 0°C.

The Lederer family was by no means happy, we looked longingly at the pool and looked back at each other and grimaced. As our tradition of swimming every 1^st of September brings with it a huge excitement in our house, this 1^st of September things did not look as bright. More on that later. When mom stirred this morning I arrived at her bedside totally in the nick. I noticed she shivered and made a shriek type noise. “Jay-Bee put on some clothes!” “Mom look I brought all my clothes out my cupboard to try on. What do you think about that?” “I think you look cold, so put some clothes on!” (Note to self, I’m sure my Mom thought she would never make me put on clothes on if she was cold. Admittedly I was a little cold, because I chose quite a few items to put on.)

Monday was the first official day of Mom being off work again. It was great that Mom would be home, but I was also sad, as Dad had to take Uncle Wayne and Aunty Birgitt to the airport as they were heading back home. I immediately started missing them. I have taken this week to flourish and prove that nurture is often better than nature. I have learned to spell my name this week, and spell it out and write it. Mom made me my very own name cards with the lamination machine, and even I was proud of my efforts. My Mom and I headed out for some groceries sometime on Monday, and I ‘suggested’ a breakfast out. Indeed we were out of chocolate croissants as per my recent morning request for breakfast for the past week. Dad joined us for a coffee on his way to a meeting, it was just like our old family breakfast. Back home, Mom and I had a wonderful time, I managed to do a ton of activities and Mom was really quite willing to participate. She’s been really tired and distracted for the last year (that’s her comment not mine).

Tuesday I started thinking that it was time for my baby toys to come home and announced that I was really worried about them at the storage unit. Fortunately for me I found out that I had Mario 3D Land in my Nintendo and I have been steadily making my way through the worlds, I am on World 5-5.

Wednesday we had to take Dad his lunch as he forgot it. Cool to have Mom on call for Dad as well. So off we went to PricewaterhouseCoopers and I announced myself at the boom, saying I was here to see my father. Sorry to all the fathers in case you got the call instead of my Dad.

I had gravel rash of note because I wasn’t allowed to go upstairs to see where Daddy worked (his work sounds like a lot of fun; he draws operating models, which I can also do; creates story-boards for clients, which I can also do; defines logical architectures, which I can also do, albeit with Legos). I headed off to get going on my train tracks back home. However Mom soon reminded me that I had a park playdate with the boys. We got there and ran around like hooligans; we see-sawed, climbed the dinosaur and generally giggled tons. Ryan and I had not seen each other for ages. We were quite taken with each other. Joe fortunately was there to get ourselves out of ourselves – he and I threatened to play golf but we never got there. We had to leave early’ish as Mom and Dad had Pilates. I was so well behaved I curled up and went to sleep after a bit of a workout.

I’ll tell you a small secret, Dad managed the Pilates on 2 glasses of beer from after work drinks! Hee Hee Hee. I had to let that one out.

Thursday we met Michelle, Emma and Liya at the zoo; initially I was not happy to go. Once Mom explained to me that we used to go almost every week when I was smaller, I was a little happier. Once in the zoo, the three of us were quite happy to be there. Mom took a pram with just in case, but just in case happened to be for all the luggage we brought with. Lisle asked for a warning, so here it is. This is Mom’s thoughts on the day (occasionally I have to let my folk have some airtime on my blog too)….

Confessions of a not so desperate housewife.

Today I went to the zoo. I marvelled at a crowned crane as it stretched itself in a splendid Jo’burg winter sun. A little over 5 years ago I would not have seen the crane, the sun or how splendid it was.

Over five years ago, I threw my Nine West tote and laptop bag over my shoulder, with my matching shoes, made sure I sprayed on some No. 5 and headed off to my job in the city. I managed budgets, baselined projects, created Gantt charts, held workshops and signed off on software development. That night I went with my husband to our first ante-natal classes. Let me just say, we were not there to learn anything, but for Vitality points. We wrote this on the entrance form to be truthful. This turn of events in our 13 year marriage had taken us by surprise. We could do this; we had done things a thousand times more difficult in our careers. People had been having babies for centuries, ours was just another one. As it would turn out that he was one in a million.

I struggled, the lack of control of all the circumstances, the process was one that bothered me. I sobbed through the second class uncontrollably, while my husband held my hand and fed me rescue remedy (all 9 different varieties). What I needed was a drink, but that wasn’t going to be the case for a few more months. I managed by arranging, planning and controlling everything else. I made lists, I had an action plan, I even told my husband that he should choose to be in the delivery for the baby, but he didn’t have to do it for me. I felt liberated at being so liberal. I didn’t nest, I didn’t get sick, I didn’t even stop wearing my high heels. I just bubbled through my perfect pregnancy.

Today, 5 years later, I am a proud Mom to Jarrod Alexander. I no longer leave for work at 6am, I avoid even waking up at 6am. I no longer wear heels. I do use No. 5 for those in the know, I do use a Nine West Bag. I do go to the zoo and marvel at things I’ve never ‘seen’ before. I don’t believe that these things are sent to test us. I don’t believe these things happen for a reason. I do believe you get the child you need and the child who needs you. I am a better person for knowing Jarrod. This is our story.

Today all things are equal. I felt mildly emotional about the day before my baby was born. It was a different time and I was a different person. Immature and full of misplaced confidence. Today? Today I believe that in the struggle lies the freedom. I am mature, I make decisions about raising a future generation. I have the weight of the future on me and I am loving every minute of it. I should go for more facials and haircuts and I should buy some clothes. I love my jeans and t-shirts and takkies. I love cooking every night. I love baking sprees with my child. I love that because I had the child I needed and a child who needed me, I am someone special. I don’t judge ‘natural’ parents because I would love to be that person. I don’t always have the luxury. My child was kept alive by blood pressure meds, platinum in his head and some pretty heavy drugs. He has high risk factors, I don’t take chances. He’s survived the worse, why should he suffer more.

I am taking it that my child is a pleasant person with an exceptional disposition, makes me feel the worst is over. Let’s face it. Jarrod has slept out of home for extended periods of time, had girls in his room every night and been taking drugs for forever. The teenage years are going to be a breeze.

Having a special child has been the ultimate test, sorry journey. I parent on a conscious level. I do nothing without reflection and make sure that I am aware of every decision I make. I would have to say, and my life partner would agree, that I have never given this level of attention to any other project. I wouldn’t say I’m a maternal mother, I don’t seek to make friends with every child I meet. I don’t try prove that my way is correct or the only way. I do think I do what is good for Jarrod. I didn’t know I could love someone so intensely.

I can only hope that my journey will lead me to the lessons. I hope the lessons will lead me to consciousness. I really hope this consciousness leads me to awareness. I hope the awareness will lead me to peace.

I hope most of all, my baby boy survives this.

Often we sit alone in the dark (it’s always the dark). I suppose by definition it’s a psychological dark place to be correct. Having said that it’s always in the dark, that you feel alone and helpless.

Faced with my reality I often take personally what medical people say about Jarrod. I then take the bold step to cocoon myself into ‘my dark space’. Cutting off all known contact and processing, processing, processing.

So what’s the intent to this piece of prose, I ask myself? Well you know what. It’s ok to have your own way to process things. It’s ok for your spouse to have his own way of processing. I think what is important is the communication of being in that different processing space. Now that I’ve penned that it would seem that actually it would be good in my opinion to communication what each of you get out of being in that space.

I am so lucky that I have Led (names have not been changed to protect the guilty). He sees things with such a different clarity, but we have not yet found our win-win answer to moving forward wtih Jarrod. I am a doing soul, and he is a being soul.

Back to me!

Friday my friends Morgan and Ryan visited at different times, I also went to OT, I sat for 20 minutes concentrating on my work, doing my work, finishing my work (note from Mom: Never been so proud). I got McDonalds as a treat. Yah! Back to home, Ryan arrived, and after my intellectual giggling, train adventures with Morgan, Ryan and I played Wipe Out (as seen on TV)! Mom and Claudi moved upstairs so that we didn’t launch ourselves over the balcony, we left and went downstairs. Our gameplay was rewarded the mothers came downstairs and we went back upstairs to throw our bodies around a little more. I was quite proud of the red, inflamed scratch down my body.

Eventually it was time to go to Pilates. I was a little out of control, fortunately we were the only people in the gym, so no one heard my shrieking. Afterwards Mom and Dad decided on sushi for dinner. I piped up that it’s a great idea but that we must sit down there and eat (it’s my new thing!). As the conveyor belt came around I grabbed plates of fashion sandwiches for Dad, veggie maki for Mom and salmon for me! I gulped down a few plates of salmon. I love salmon!

We all passed out in bed soon after getting home.

Saturday Mom and I went to have her nails done, I chose the colour I’ll have you know. Bright pink is a departure from the demure for Mom. We then headed to the toy store to spend my hard earned pocket money (I’ve been very good this week – I got the full R140.00). After getting El Chubacabra from Planes, I insisted we go to the Bread Basket for lunch, and that we sit down and eat! I ordered salmon once again, and amazed all the patrons as I gulped down my salmon dish. Mom just told everyone that she starves me and I’m only allowed to eat on Saturdays! We arrived at our underground parking to discover Daddy and Marcus offloading a white bakkie. I finally understood that the bakkie Dad had rented for the day was not the Buckie from Jake and the Neverland Pirates. I felt a little disappointed, but this soon disappeared as I noticed that our storeroom was full of my baby toys and the Christmas stuff, Mom and Dad’s bikes and golf clubs, and lots of things we hadn’t seen in a long time. As Daddy had promised, he cleared out the storage unit and brought everything home, now that we have the space. Saturday night was a departure from the norm in our house, it was freezing so I slept right on top of Daddy. Daddy didn’t sleep at all. So we kept each other company. Mom was shocked that she didn’t even wake up.

Sunday we were out to visit with friends of Mom and Dad at Papachinos – David and Marylin and little Kian. I met Amy and Chloe there, it was so much fun. They have just come back from Euro Disney so we had lots to talk about. We made plans to get together. Mom, Dad, Marylin and David and baby Kian had tons of chatting going on too.

Back home we had short snoozes and played up a storm, then sat down to write the blog. Here’s to a great freezing cold spring in South Africa (Dad and I didn’t swim, by the way), and many positive thoughts to all the victims of the Syria events and may the world make the right decisions, and sympathies to Seamus Heaney, Nobel Literary Laureate and veteran broadcaster Sir David Frost and their families who both passed away this week.

Love,

Jay-Bee

Photo 1 Being like a little bunny again

Photo 2 Breakfast

Photo 3 Took a ‘dip’ in flour

Photo 4 Practicing my name

Photo 5 My name in flour

Photo 6 The kitties have adopted the guest room as their own

Photo 7 The track I built, complete with tower!

Photo 8 Just hanging around

Photo 9 Joseph, Ryan and I, aka Trouble at the Bike Park!

Photo 10 Climbing giggles

Photo 11 Spinning

Photo 12 My periscope

Photo 13 Checking out the animals at the zoo

Photo 14 If there’s a ‘high-sky’ I’ll find it!

Photo 15 Emma and Liya with the horses

Photo 16 Emma is thrilled!

Photo 17 In the kitty basket

Photo 18 Morgan and I playing trains

Photo 19 Salmon sushi

Photo 20 Slippery guys

Photo 21 Wii Boxing

Photo 22 Rental bakkie, not Buckie from Jake and the Neverland Pirates

Photo 23 Lego figurines

Photo 24 Flying my Gee Bee El Chubacabra from Planes

Photo 25 Playing hide-and-seek

Photo 26 Clown Jay-Bee

Photo 27 Bye!